Late Night Insight

Mr Medic and I have talked about it many times before, but tonight I know without hesitation that we will be growing our family through adoption!

We have felt after a repeat difficult delivery that it will be my body that determines the number of children we bring into this world biologically.  My fear is that it won't be as many as my heart wants.

Having this confirmation of adoption makes me feel so relieved and hopeful!  I would love to bring as many little spirits into this world as possible, but it is so good to be reminded that there are many little spirits already here waiting for a forever home.

I'm sure adoption won't come for quite some time, but for now I have peace of mind knowing that day will come eventually.

I would love to hear some experiences about adoption, whether it be yourself or someone you know. 

Cause I've Gotta Have Faith

Now that I've got that George Michael song stuck in your pretty little head...

Someone asked me the other day if Mr Medic and I applied for Medicaid for our boys.  At first I simply replied "No" but as she gave me what seemed to be a puzzled look I knew I had to say more.  You see, to this particular girl, Mr Medic and I are somewhat of an example.  We (more specifically Mr Medic) had an important leadership role over her and the guy who would eventually become her husband.  I could tell she wanted direction...that what I said would actually be considered.

The weird thing is, I felt very uncomfortable.  If you've read this post and its subsequent comments, you will understand my apprehension to share my opinion on the matter.  I found myself avoiding eye contact, like I was Cyclops from X-Men.  I fumbled on my words, and danced around the idea that, no Mr Medic and I do not take Medicaid because we feel that there are others that sincerely need it more than we do and we are able to meet our needs through hard work and lots of sacrifice.

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She responded that what I had said made sense, and didn't seem too put off....phew!  She went on to talk about her options with student insurance, which we also use.  She commented that they would be able to make it work, but not if they had to move across country.  With that I had to be on my way because of a fussy little babe.

It ended up being one of those moments where you replay it over and over thinking of what you could have said, but didn't.  I wondered why I had to feel so awkward telling her my opinion, which probably comes down to not wanting to offend.  But more importantly, now that I think about it, I'm kicking myself for not taking the opportunity to share something more than just my opinion.  Whatever I may feel about the Medicaid matter, I should have responded to her concern about making ends meet with a reminder about faith.

I have seen time and time again, my inability to see how things are ever going to work out.  As much as I would like to control most situations and solve problems on my own, I simply cannot comprehend all things.  This specific matter of bearing children on a student income is one of the most daunting ideas imaginable.  If I waste spend my time trying to figure out the logistics of it, we would never have children.

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From The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ we read:

..."I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

I had hope that as college students we would be able to provide for our needs, but I couldn't see how that could happen.  Only by faith have we been able to make it happen!  I whole heartily believe that with faith anything is possible.

Now one of the most basic ideas of faith suggests action in order to "prove" that we have faith.  Our first action was that we made a decision not to use Medicaid, not knowing beforehand how it would be possible.  Second, we educated ourselves on what our options were.  We familiarized ourselves with our insurance policies, and began to plan accordingly.  Then, we each did our best at working jobs, budgeting, and any other means of monetary preparation.  In each of our two sons births less than ideal circumstances occurred, causing for an increase in what we anticipated as our portion of cost.

Emergency c-section + not one, but TWO anesthesia bills + ...

Baby in the NICU for 5 days = EXPENSIVE!  

Again we had no clue how we were going to work this out, but we knew we did our part.  I set payment plans with those we owed, and continued to live frugally.  Within a matter of time, our faith has proved worthwhile.  After each child's birth, without fail Mr Medic has been given opportunity to work wildfires.  Its a time for him to work super hard and for me to experience being a single mother for a bit, all so that we can catch up on what we owe.  I consider this a true blessing from my Father in Heaven.  I know that He is aware of His children and will do for us what seems impossible...when we do our part.

I think we sell ourselves and God short sometimes.  We don't allow ourselves to prove what we are made of, that we can in fact do hard things, or allow God to show His great power.  Think about it, how often have each of us felt like there was no way possible that fill in the blank could work out, and simply moved forward with the only logical solution without even considering something that doesn't seem sensible?  God doesn't work logically.  He works by miracles, and I know without a doubt miracles happen all of the time.

In the Old Testament in the book of Malachi, Chapter 3 verse 10, it reads:

"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of haven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

God wants us to test Him.  He wants us to try our faith, and see what comes of it.  I have never been let down.  Things may have not been easy or right on "my" schedule, but He has always taken care of us.

I am so grateful to have experiences that have taught me, not only the meaning of sacrifice and hard work, but that God truly does love me.

I'd love to have some guest posts on the topic, so...how about you?  Do you have any experiences with trying your faith and seeing Gods hand in your life?  Let me know if would like to share your story.  

A Tough Commitment to Keep

While I'm being open and honest, here is one of the many other things that has been on my mind while preparing for #2:

THE "GOLDEN" AGE OF ENTITLEMENT

My amazing mother was a single parent most of my childhood and still is. She worked her tail off for years trying to provide even the basic necessities for her three children - all to her mental and physical detriment. To this day her dedication and persistence amazes me.

As much as my mom continued to work, our needs were not met. And, like many single parents she sought government assistance. I grew up on food stamps and Medicaid and I didn't know any different. I know that my mother truly did her very most to provide, and did what was necessary to care for us.

Once I was engaged, those ever important conversations of morals, values, and ideals were laid on the table. I strongly recommend to those who are engaged, or any couple for that matter, to sit down together and talk about your opinions and beliefs about a variety of topics. You may think that you and your significant other are on the same page, but you may also be very surprised! Upon doing this myself, I was not surprised or concerned, per se, but was given a new perspective on the idea of self-reliance.

We were not faced with such pertinent self-reliant decisions until I was actually pregnant with Twodles. Now the norm for my area is this: get pregnant, drive a couple minutes to the department of health and welfare, apply for Medicaid, WIC, and usually food stamps. It's not even a question really. This way of thinking is what we have come to know as "The 'Golden' Age of Entitlement." I overheard a girl once having a phone conversation in between classes that went something like this: "I'm so excited you are pregnant...I'll take you to get signed up for Medicaid!" She didn't say anything like "Do you have health insurance?" or "Have you started a new budget to be able to pay for medical bills and a baby?"

Now here's where I share what I believe. I know it may be different from what you believe, but I remind you that these are MY THOUGHTS AND WORRIES.

Mr. Medic and I made the decision that if we wanted to have children, we were going to be responsible for the cost of bringing them into the world and providing their needs throughout their life. We also feel that it would not be honest to accept certain forms of government assistance when at least one of us is perfectly capable of working to provide for our needs.

I believe that government aid, a "saving grace," is intended for unique situations including: single parent homes like my mother's, those with immense unforeseen or catastrophic medical emergencies, and those who simply cannot make ends meet "after all [they] can do." (The Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 25:23)  For instance, a couple CHOOSES to have children. They should plan, save, and budget to be prepared for the financial burden. They cannot, however, plan for the enormous unforeseen medical expenses that a less-than-healthy newborn may easily acquire. I also believe that it is dishonest to hide income by "gifting" family members your savings in order to qualify for government aid. For that matter, any act that is done with the intent to deceive is wrong.

As stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World :

First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days
 Saints at time of publishing of Proclamation.

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed." (bold added)

First, I want to point out that it says that circumstances may necessitate a shift in responsibilities. This means that my mom, who had to work my whole life, is not condemned for doing so. Next, it states that fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life. Finally, extended families should lend support when needed.

From this statement, along with many others* given by Prophets and church leaders, we (as a couple) believe that it is ultimately our responsibility to take care of the needs of our children. Is this an easy task? HEAVEN'S NO!

Now here is my constant worry, the battle in my own head, while we prepare for #2...

It is so hard, that some days I just wish I could do what "everyone else" is doing and march my fanny down to the welfare office and sign up for any aid available. Then my worries would be gone! I know ALL my worries would not be gone, but imagine not having to stress about paying for medical bills, food, or most of your housing. That's a lot less worrying!

Do I REALLY want to be in debt once again from having another child, when we JUST got #1 paid off? And then to have to watch my husband work so hard to repay those debts, all while feeling like a single mother most of the time?

I begin to feel guilty for questioning our original commitment to be self-reliant. I have to fight back feelings of resentment towards others around me who "take the easier road," some who have no clue what it's like to try to stick with a commitment - a commitment that you wholeheartedly believe is God's will. I feel guilty that my husband is really the one with all the weight on his shoulders, and I'm the one complaining. I want to help him. I want to relieve that burden, and the only way that seems realistic is to do something that we chose not to do so long ago. How dare I want to turn back or give up now!

Some may feel that it is utterly impossible to have children or provide for a family while being a student on a small income, but we are living proof that IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE...dang hard...BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

To really explain how we do it would be a novel. So in a nutshell, here's how:


Mr. Medic, bless him, I could cry just writing about his sacrifices...goes to bed so early that I put both "my boys" to bed at the same time, just so he can wake up almost every morning between 4 and 5 a.m. to study. This enables him to receive scholarships every semester he goes to school. Then while taking classes full-time, he spends most every other waking moment working any job he can. There have been semesters when he has held three jobs at one time. Sounds fun right? Most of the time not so much.  I will say that I cannot remember a single utterance about the situation being unfair coming from Mr. Medic's mouth.  I usually take care of that.

Tired Paramedic Daddy

" BYU-I Paramedic of the Year"

Hot Firefighter Husband

We also live on financial aid and the occasional student loan.  We choose a student loan over government assistance because we are held responsible to repay it.

The things that I personally do to help make ends meet:

1. Maintain a clean and organized home, as to provide a less stressful environment for my already over-stressed husband.

2. Keep a tight budget. (Man, that takes so much time and effort. Plus I'm not good at math!)

3. Couponing...it really can save you a lot of money!


When all is said and done I see this face...

and get to witness sweet moments like this...

Twodles and Daddy looking for a lost car

It makes everything so much more bearable and VERY worth all my struggles and moments of doubt!

DISCLAIMER:  I have many acquaintances and close friends who have chosen a different way, who probably don't feel the same as I do. AND THAT'S OKAY!  I just need a place to be honest. I need a place where my thoughts may be considered by others. I need a place where others can share their thoughts as well, and hopefully help me to be more sympathetic to those that have chosen to take "the easier road."

*applicable information begins around paragraph 21/22 and on.  

I am not ashamed

It's risky business sharing your personal thoughts and opinions. You're always liable to rub someone the wrong way.  But my previous post stated that I had some things on my mind that kept me from announcing our 2nd baby on the way, so here goes nothin'!

FERTILITY & FAMILY PLANNING 

Just as a little background, because I haven't given any info about us yet...Mr Medic and I were sealed* in the Rexburg Idaho LDS Temple on March 1, 2008.  It was one the the best moments of my life.

Within weeks of our special day and after much thought and prayer, we decided to try for a little babe.  Some may think we are crazy, or you might feel like my mother who firmly believes a couple should have at least one year together prior to children. We already knew I may have some difficulties being able to get pregnant, so why prolong the waiting when it could be a long process?  

Eventually after no luck on our own, we started basic fertility testing.  It's a weird thing waiting for test results.  It's as if you want them to find something wrong, at least that way they can try to fix it.  But when test after test comes back basically normal, you start to lose hope.  It got to the point where my OB could only do one more test before referring us to a fertility specialist.  That was a scary thought.  We couldn't help but worry about how much more that would cost.  I mean having a baby is expensive enough, to then add fertility treatments on top of that.  

We started to question our desires.  Our church teaches that we should avoid excessive debt with the exception of a few essential things, but we also believe that the commandment given to Adam and Eve to "multiply and replenish the earth" still applies to us.  We continually prayed that we would be able to bring a child into the world.  One day I wondered was I really praying for the best thing.  I mean, it wasn't like I was asking for something selfish or unreasonable.  I just wanted to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  So one night instead of praying that I would get pregnant, I asked that I would accept the Lord's will, whatever it was.  

Not soon after that experience, we found out I was FINALLY pregnant.   It was again one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn't even believe that it was actually real...that I was pregnant! 

At that point it had been over 1.5 years of trying.  I know there are people that will read this that waited MUCH longer or are STILL waiting, and that 1.5 years seems like nothing.  But I firmly believe that when a person has a sincere desire, any amount of waiting is a long time.  

In preparing for #2 we had a lot to think about. First we had to take into account some of my own health issues.  Yes, I'm super cool and was born with only one kidney, which was something I didn't find out until after having Twodles.  Maybe that lone kidney was the culprit behind me having to sport these little beauties for so long while I was pregnant...

If this isn't good birth control, I don't know what is!

Once we were more informed of my health issues, and were given the ok to try again, we assumed that it would again be a long time before I got pregnant.  So its back to the same question: do we wait the "normal" amount of time between kids to start trying, and then have a long time before we even get pregnant?  At that rate, I would be 90 before I had all 6-8 kids I think I want to have!  I was also concerned that people would think I was wrong for having children closer together, or that Twodles would miss out on precious one on one time.  We were also trying to time it right with school, health insurance, and all of that other stuff that makes paying for a baby an issue.  I have no clue why it happened the way it did this time, but I got pregnant immediately!

We weren't expecting that to happen and all of a sudden I felt unprepared!  I was excited but nervous too.  What about all the people who aren't having the same luck that I am?  Its not fair to celebrate my joys when I know others are suffering.

The point is...it's very important to be sensitive of others.  It is an emotional and heartbreaking thing to want to have children and not be able to.  At the same time we shouldn't hide our own joys.  Its important to show gratitude for our blessings, and one way to show gratitude is to be excited and happy.  A person could be as sensitive as possible about fertility, or any matter, but still offend another person.  But that person chooses to be offended.  It is possible to be happy for other people without invalidating your own sadness.  I went to many baby showers while trying to get pregnant the first time.  I was still happy for them even though it wasn't me that was getting the shower.  Was I sad that it wasn't me?  YES, but does that mean that everyone else around me has to be sad too?  NO.

Find joy in your successes and blessings, don't be afraid to verbalize your gratitude for those blessings.  And at the same time, be mindful of those around you.  Be sensitive and respectful.  You never know the silent battles another person is facing.

I am constantly learning the same lesson over and over:  my decisions are between me, Mr. Medic, and most importantly, the Lord.  I am a visual person so here's my little equation to help keep it in my thick skull.  Feel free to use my template to make your own!  hahaha  jk

   

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I know that I will do what is right for our family if I follow that equation.  Every family is different too.  One family may find they need more time as a couple before having children, or that more space in between children is essential for their sanity! Whatever the choice, it should be an educated and prayerful one. You can't go wrong that way!  Then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes!

Be brave, share your feelings about what I have written.  I won't hate!  We all need to hear what it is like to not be able to have babies, being scared of sharing your happiness, or the trials that come with family planning.  What have you done to overcome your hardships and turn them into strengths?

*Following this link will take you to a section titled "Our Members" In that section you will find the topic "Blessings of Temples"