Willingly Insane

Goob turned 1 this week, which just so happens to be the magical time my mind starts telling me it's time for another.  Ok, so maybe it's been on my mind for longer, but who's keeping track?

I've always wanted to have a big family, but I feel like there are a lot of factors not in my favor.

For starters, I'm not getting any younger.  I will be 29 this year, and honestly can't imagine having children into my 40's.  Selfishly, I want to be done with diapers far before I will be wearing them myself.

Then, without getting on my soap box about the form of delivering children, I'm quite sure my body will fail me before my heart will.

Of all the reasons not to have more children my peers are of most concern, which is odd because generally I don't give a hoot if someone doesn't agree with me.  We are all entitled to our own opinions, and I know in the end I will do what is right for me.

When I talk about having more kids the response I get are usually these:

"have you forgotten how crazy it is with two?"..."it's not going to get any easier"..."if you are overwhelmed with two, what's it going to be like with three?"...

Since when did we start discouraging people from doing hard things?

My mind keeps turning to the athlete.  They train and push themselves harder and harder to get better at what they love and are passionate about.  It is painful and I'm sure sometimes downright miserable.  But there are also moments of complete ecstasy and satisfaction.  Even when the hard times seem to outweigh the moments of satisfaction, they still do it.  They wouldn't dream of giving up what they enjoy.

I've seen the quote "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" But isn't that precisely what an athlete does?  They run the same distance over and over hoping to get faster....and usually do.

A mother bears children over and over and surely she can expect different results with each child!  She will find each child to have different strengths, weaknesses, and definitely different personalities.  She herself will certainly develop and grow to parent differently with each child too.

Either athletes and mom's are willingly insane, or that little phrase is bogus to begin with.  

I guess what I'm saying is, I want to do hard things like having children over and over for many reasons, but one of the most important reasons is because I know I will grow and learn and become a different, or better person.  If that sounds insane...so be it!

Insane or not, wouldn't it be lovely if, rather than remind a woman of how crazy she must be, we simply gave her a little credit for willingly doing hard things?

My Time to Whine

For all those women who are experiencing trouble getting or staying pregnant, know that I have been there before and sympathize completely with your struggles, but don't read this post because I need a minute to whine and then hopefully get over it!  


Now that I've given fair warning...


I will never ever ever get over the fact that I can't "give birth" to a child!

I don't need anyone to convince me that, yes in fact, I have given birth to a child.  No words could persuade me to accept it.  I know I should just be grateful that I can even have my own biological children, but I'm only human.  We tend to want what we can't have.

I think about it all of the time and I don't know why it's so stuck in my head.  I even find myself getting emotional over it.  It's as if I'm not a "real" woman or something.  I feel gypped of an opportunity that should rightfully be mine.

It doesn't help when people discredit my situation as if to say "you didn't try hard enough" What person, especially another woman, would ever say such a thing?  Maybe, they didn't realize what they were actually insinuating, but seriously...people can be so insensitive.

Good thing I don't take things too personally, because otherwise I might feel a little suicidal or maybe more like homicidal.....hahahahaha!

My Dr has declared me too small to birth 8+ lb babies and I have been DOOMED to cesarians from now on.  I have talked with people that have been able to do a successful v-bac (vaginal birth after cesarian) after having 2 sections, and when I talk to Mr Medic about the possibility of finding a Dr that is willing, he just gives me the look.  In his defense, and as much and I want to defy his great wisdom, he does have a point.  My babies have been in danger due to efforts to try to deliver vaginally, so why put them through that and end up in a bad situation where they are hurt, or even me.  Why not plan a section and have a safe, healthy outcome.

Even still, I dream about delivering a baby, and long for that experience.  I want to have that beautiful babe plopped on to me and just stare down in amazement at how that was just in me and now it is out of me.  I want to be able to have that instant bonding moment, instead of having it whisked off to who knows where for several hours and me being too out of it to even care what is going on.  I want to see my husband shed a tear (ya right, I'll keep dreaming) as he helps bring that babe into the world.  I want to be able to relate to other women who have experienced vaginal births.  I want to share my birth stories and them be magical and positive.  I want to say that I did something that was thought couldn't be done because I'm not one to give up too easy!

Another thing that is really difficult to accept...I am that crazy woman who has always wanted 6-8 kids, and now to think my childbearing experiences could be significantly decreased due to repeat sections and my body simply not holding up to so many major surgeries is simply heart wrenching.

I know Heavenly Father wants us to have the desires of our hearts, but could it really not be His will?  It's a righteous desire, not too selfish.  Do I keep hoping for what I want and press my luck trying for the results that I want while risking my safety and that of my unborn children?  Or do I simply come to terms with reality, and get over it?

For now, I will just be forever grateful for the blessing of being present for the birth of a dear friends first baby.  Even though it was not my own experience it filled a part of the void I have been feeling.

And even more importantly I just try to be so so grateful each and every day that I have these two beautiful boys to squoosh and love!

YOU'RE DOING IT

We welcomed our second sweet little baby boy into our family on Monday, June 18th at 9:18 p.m.

It was quite the experience, one that will definitely be blogged soon enough, but I wanted to share something else first.

Baby and I had been in the hospital for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only 5 days.  I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of Mr. Medic and Twodles to rescue us from the less than tasty meals, constant monitoring, one crabby nurse lady, and much more less than ideal circumstances.  I was all packed and ready to go when they finally walked through the door with bright rosy cheeks.  Mr. Medic explained that it was way too hot to leave just yet, and that we should wait until it cooled off a bit.  No AC is just one of the many downfalls of our clunker car.

We finally made our way out of the hospital, and were on our way home.  It felt so great to breath the fresh air and to be out of the confines of my little room.  As we drove home I kept looking over to my sweet husband and back at my two adorable boys.  I felt an overwhelming sense of completeness, not that we were done having kids or anything, but a feeling of "this is what life is all about!"  My desires were becoming a reality, no matter how impossible it may have sometimes seemed.

I immediately thought of a clip from the movie "Hook" that sort of explains how I was feeling.

You see, Peter could't see what was right in front of him.  He wanted so bad to enjoy the moment, but he let his apprehensions get the best of him.  Too often I get caught up in the impossibility of things and how there's just no way I can ever do X, Y, Z.  I've always had a desire to be a mother to lots of children, and most of the time the idea seems completely crazy. Only when I put my trust and faith in God am I able to see a clear vision of my goals and take smalls steps to accomplish them.  There I is was driving home with my family, with another little body occupying the back seat.  I was DOING IT!

I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is what it is!

I am not ashamed

It's risky business sharing your personal thoughts and opinions. You're always liable to rub someone the wrong way.  But my previous post stated that I had some things on my mind that kept me from announcing our 2nd baby on the way, so here goes nothin'!

FERTILITY & FAMILY PLANNING 

Just as a little background, because I haven't given any info about us yet...Mr Medic and I were sealed* in the Rexburg Idaho LDS Temple on March 1, 2008.  It was one the the best moments of my life.

Within weeks of our special day and after much thought and prayer, we decided to try for a little babe.  Some may think we are crazy, or you might feel like my mother who firmly believes a couple should have at least one year together prior to children. We already knew I may have some difficulties being able to get pregnant, so why prolong the waiting when it could be a long process?  

Eventually after no luck on our own, we started basic fertility testing.  It's a weird thing waiting for test results.  It's as if you want them to find something wrong, at least that way they can try to fix it.  But when test after test comes back basically normal, you start to lose hope.  It got to the point where my OB could only do one more test before referring us to a fertility specialist.  That was a scary thought.  We couldn't help but worry about how much more that would cost.  I mean having a baby is expensive enough, to then add fertility treatments on top of that.  

We started to question our desires.  Our church teaches that we should avoid excessive debt with the exception of a few essential things, but we also believe that the commandment given to Adam and Eve to "multiply and replenish the earth" still applies to us.  We continually prayed that we would be able to bring a child into the world.  One day I wondered was I really praying for the best thing.  I mean, it wasn't like I was asking for something selfish or unreasonable.  I just wanted to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  So one night instead of praying that I would get pregnant, I asked that I would accept the Lord's will, whatever it was.  

Not soon after that experience, we found out I was FINALLY pregnant.   It was again one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn't even believe that it was actually real...that I was pregnant! 

At that point it had been over 1.5 years of trying.  I know there are people that will read this that waited MUCH longer or are STILL waiting, and that 1.5 years seems like nothing.  But I firmly believe that when a person has a sincere desire, any amount of waiting is a long time.  

In preparing for #2 we had a lot to think about. First we had to take into account some of my own health issues.  Yes, I'm super cool and was born with only one kidney, which was something I didn't find out until after having Twodles.  Maybe that lone kidney was the culprit behind me having to sport these little beauties for so long while I was pregnant...

If this isn't good birth control, I don't know what is!

Once we were more informed of my health issues, and were given the ok to try again, we assumed that it would again be a long time before I got pregnant.  So its back to the same question: do we wait the "normal" amount of time between kids to start trying, and then have a long time before we even get pregnant?  At that rate, I would be 90 before I had all 6-8 kids I think I want to have!  I was also concerned that people would think I was wrong for having children closer together, or that Twodles would miss out on precious one on one time.  We were also trying to time it right with school, health insurance, and all of that other stuff that makes paying for a baby an issue.  I have no clue why it happened the way it did this time, but I got pregnant immediately!

We weren't expecting that to happen and all of a sudden I felt unprepared!  I was excited but nervous too.  What about all the people who aren't having the same luck that I am?  Its not fair to celebrate my joys when I know others are suffering.

The point is...it's very important to be sensitive of others.  It is an emotional and heartbreaking thing to want to have children and not be able to.  At the same time we shouldn't hide our own joys.  Its important to show gratitude for our blessings, and one way to show gratitude is to be excited and happy.  A person could be as sensitive as possible about fertility, or any matter, but still offend another person.  But that person chooses to be offended.  It is possible to be happy for other people without invalidating your own sadness.  I went to many baby showers while trying to get pregnant the first time.  I was still happy for them even though it wasn't me that was getting the shower.  Was I sad that it wasn't me?  YES, but does that mean that everyone else around me has to be sad too?  NO.

Find joy in your successes and blessings, don't be afraid to verbalize your gratitude for those blessings.  And at the same time, be mindful of those around you.  Be sensitive and respectful.  You never know the silent battles another person is facing.

I am constantly learning the same lesson over and over:  my decisions are between me, Mr. Medic, and most importantly, the Lord.  I am a visual person so here's my little equation to help keep it in my thick skull.  Feel free to use my template to make your own!  hahaha  jk

   

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I know that I will do what is right for our family if I follow that equation.  Every family is different too.  One family may find they need more time as a couple before having children, or that more space in between children is essential for their sanity! Whatever the choice, it should be an educated and prayerful one. You can't go wrong that way!  Then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes!

Be brave, share your feelings about what I have written.  I won't hate!  We all need to hear what it is like to not be able to have babies, being scared of sharing your happiness, or the trials that come with family planning.  What have you done to overcome your hardships and turn them into strengths?

*Following this link will take you to a section titled "Our Members" In that section you will find the topic "Blessings of Temples"