It's risky business sharing your personal thoughts and opinions. You're always liable to rub someone the wrong way. But my previous post stated that I had some things on my mind that kept me from announcing our 2nd baby on the way, so here goes nothin'!
FERTILITY & FAMILY PLANNING
Just as a little background, because I haven't given any info about us yet...Mr Medic and I were sealed* in the Rexburg Idaho LDS Temple on March 1, 2008. It was one the the best moments of my life.
Within weeks of our special day and after much thought and prayer, we decided to try for a little babe. Some may think we are crazy, or you might feel like my mother who firmly believes a couple should have at least one year together prior to children. We already knew I may have some difficulties being able to get pregnant, so why prolong the waiting when it could be a long process?
Eventually after no luck on our own, we started basic fertility testing. It's a weird thing waiting for test results. It's as if you want them to find something wrong, at least that way they can try to fix it. But when test after test comes back basically normal, you start to lose hope. It got to the point where my OB could only do one more test before referring us to a fertility specialist. That was a scary thought. We couldn't help but worry about how much more that would cost. I mean having a baby is expensive enough, to then add fertility treatments on top of that.
We started to question our desires. Our church teaches that we should avoid excessive debt with the exception of a few essential things, but we also believe that the commandment given to Adam and Eve to "multiply and replenish the earth" still applies to us. We continually prayed that we would be able to bring a child into the world. One day I wondered was I really praying for the best thing. I mean, it wasn't like I was asking for something selfish or unreasonable. I just wanted to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. So one night instead of praying that I would get pregnant, I asked that I would accept the Lord's will, whatever it was.
Not soon after that experience, we found out I was FINALLY pregnant. It was again one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn't even believe that it was actually real...that I was pregnant!
At that point it had been over 1.5 years of trying. I know there are people that will read this that waited MUCH longer or are STILL waiting, and that 1.5 years seems like nothing. But I firmly believe that when a person has a sincere desire, any amount of waiting is a long time.
In preparing for #2 we had a lot to think about. First we had to take into account some of my own health issues. Yes, I'm super cool and was born with only one kidney, which was something I didn't find out until after having Twodles. Maybe that lone kidney was the culprit behind me having to sport these little beauties for so long while I was pregnant...
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| If this isn't good birth control, I don't know what is! |
Once we were more informed of my health issues, and were given the ok to try again, we assumed that it would again be a long time before I got pregnant. So its back to the same question: do we wait the "normal" amount of time between kids to start trying, and then have a long time before we even get pregnant? At that rate, I would be 90 before I had all 6-8 kids I think I want to have! I was also concerned that people would think I was wrong for having children closer together, or that Twodles would miss out on precious one on one time. We were also trying to time it right with school, health insurance, and all of that other stuff that makes paying for a baby an issue. I have no clue why it happened the way it did this time, but I got pregnant immediately!
We weren't expecting that to happen and all of a sudden I felt unprepared! I was excited but nervous too. What about all the people who aren't having the same luck that I am? Its not fair to celebrate my joys when I know others are suffering.
We weren't expecting that to happen and all of a sudden I felt unprepared! I was excited but nervous too. What about all the people who aren't having the same luck that I am? Its not fair to celebrate my joys when I know others are suffering.
The point is...it's very important to be sensitive of others. It is an emotional and heartbreaking thing to want to have children and not be able to. At the same time we shouldn't hide our own joys. Its important to show gratitude for our blessings, and one way to show gratitude is to be excited and happy. A person could be as sensitive as possible about fertility, or any matter, but still offend another person. But that person chooses to be offended. It is possible to be happy for other people without invalidating your own sadness. I went to many baby showers while trying to get pregnant the first time. I was still happy for them even though it wasn't me that was getting the shower. Was I sad that it wasn't me? YES, but does that mean that everyone else around me has to be sad too? NO.
Find joy in your successes and blessings, don't be afraid to verbalize your gratitude for those blessings. And at the same time, be mindful of those around you. Be sensitive and respectful. You never know the silent battles another person is facing.
I am constantly learning the same lesson over and over: my decisions are between me, Mr. Medic, and most importantly, the Lord. I am a visual person so here's my little equation to help keep it in my thick skull. Feel free to use my template to make your own! hahaha jk
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I know that I will do what is right for our family if I follow that equation. Every family is different too. One family may find they need more time as a couple before having children, or that more space in between children is essential for their sanity! Whatever the choice, it should be an educated and prayerful one. You can't go wrong that way! Then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes!
Be brave, share your feelings about what I have written. I won't hate! We all need to hear what it is like to not be able to have babies, being scared of sharing your happiness, or the trials that come with family planning. What have you done to overcome your hardships and turn them into strengths?
Find joy in your successes and blessings, don't be afraid to verbalize your gratitude for those blessings. And at the same time, be mindful of those around you. Be sensitive and respectful. You never know the silent battles another person is facing.
I am constantly learning the same lesson over and over: my decisions are between me, Mr. Medic, and most importantly, the Lord. I am a visual person so here's my little equation to help keep it in my thick skull. Feel free to use my template to make your own! hahaha jk
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I know that I will do what is right for our family if I follow that equation. Every family is different too. One family may find they need more time as a couple before having children, or that more space in between children is essential for their sanity! Whatever the choice, it should be an educated and prayerful one. You can't go wrong that way! Then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes!
Be brave, share your feelings about what I have written. I won't hate! We all need to hear what it is like to not be able to have babies, being scared of sharing your happiness, or the trials that come with family planning. What have you done to overcome your hardships and turn them into strengths?
*Following this link will take you to a section titled "Our Members" In that section you will find the topic "Blessings of Temples"
LOVE the post Chandee! Heavenly Father and Jesus always know best. And sometimes we just have to turn it over to them. You might not understand now why it happened so fast, but eventually you will. I know with little Thomas I didn't realize until a little bit after he was born why our family needed him at the time we did. I am very glad that little Thomas came when he did.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you wrote this. It is hard to write so candidly but is so good for others. You really taught me that lesson of being happy for others when things aren't great for me. It has stuck with me. Love you, girl!
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I was just so lucky to have such sweet friends around me having babies that I could love on and clip their fingernails and make them bleed just like they were my own! hahahah
ReplyDeleteI'm getting a lot of private messages from readers sharing their insights, but not many public comments.
ReplyDeleteWhat I really hoped from posting is that more women will be brave and share their true feelings publicly. I know that it is hard, but I realized that others were not able to understand what I was going through simply because they didn't know. Is it ok for a person to nag you wondering why you haven't started a family yet? NO! But, it helped me to be verbal about our situation. I didn't do that to get sympathy, but more to help others realize a different perspective, rather than just assume I am selfish for not having children.
Now I am on the other side of the situation. I am being blessed with precious spirits and worry that my happiness and excitement only bring discouragement and heartache to those who are not as lucky as me.
Where do we find balance in excitement and sensitivity?
Chandee your story really calls out to me, I am one of the lucky ones that got prego right after we started to try. Which was shocking to me. I thought it would take a few months! I found out shortly after that it was going to be a challenging pregnancy. I feel horrible for thinking that now I may have to limit how many children I have because such crazy and unpredictable pregnancies...but then I think how blessed I am to be able to procreate. It kills me to know that there are women out there that try and try and try and nothing ever happens. I wish that there was more I could do for them...I know that when I complain to all the things that went wrong for me I feel that there are plenty of women who would gladly go through what I went through. I feel that there is nothing wrong with being EXCITED! I think that we need to be excited for ourselves. Other should be excited to. They can mourn their loss as well. But they should not do it to the extent of making the women who is pregnant not excited anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'll say something, it might seem insensitive but is not meant to be. I feel that it is sad that some are unable to have children when they want to if at all, and their feelings should be considered. As a mother of two I have found it very difficult to balance feeling physically miserable, controlling a 2 year old, and not allowing myself to seem frustrated about motherhood to those that do not have children. Honestly though, many of those that struggle with fertility demand sympathy, but do not extend it to mothers!! People have watched me struggle and cry through sacrament with kids on my own, but only feel sorry for themselves and their lack of children. Not fair! Let us all be aware of each other's trials and joys. Some have the trial of being childless, but some have the trial of children (they are great don't get me wrong). I feel that we should all be able to express our joys and frustrations of parenthood or lack thereof openly without fear of offending others! Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the input ladies, keep em' comin'!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I have found through our fertility hardships (normal tests too.../a couple miscarriages) is that there are so many people going through the same thing. It is so much harder to talk about while going through them, as opposed to on the other side (23weeks along w/baby #3). It does help to know that we are not alone!
ReplyDeleteI think that everyone's journey to family is all personal to them. For some it is the trial of having to wait longer to have children, or not even being able to have them and get them through adoption. For others it is having them come so easily, and not being as appreciative of them, or there are just some that fall in the middle. Either way it goes, I know that Our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. The way that children come into our lives is just another trial/blessing to our lives. It is a way that we exercise our agency and it shapes our lives. Everyone experiences things differently so the way that we create our families is just another wonderful learning experience that we are going through.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I find through my own experience and reading the comments, is finding contentment in our situation. Life has trials, and one of the hardest it would seem is having the desire to have children yet not being able to. I am blessed with having TWINS!! My sister-in-law tried for 3 years before they finally got pregnant with their second child. Around the time they announced they were pregnant we had been trying for two months to get pregnant. NOT a long time at all, but it was hard for a moment to see her in a position I wanted to be in. Then I realized how amazing it was they finally got pregnant again! I now have two very active, beautiful 10 month olds. I LOVE what Nicole said in an above post: motherhood is hard and we should be able to express our frustrations and trials of being a parent. Some days are just plain hard, that all anyone can do is sit down and cry it all out. Then pick up and move on to the next day. Being content, or at least aware, in Heavenly Father's plan for us will help life be at least a little easier. Be sensitive to others around us, but don't forget to enjoy the love and life we have as well.
ReplyDeleteSuch great comments ladies! Share this link with your friends. The more viewpoints the better!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I, together, are unable to have kids, like at all. 100% guaranteed physically impossible forever in this lifetime. I could get pregnant, but not with my husband. It makes me mad as all hell when other women pity me or try not to be excited about their pregnancies when they're around me. Being pregnant is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated. My trials are my own and I don't go out and complain about it to everyone and make them feel awful about being pregnant. Only my family and a handful of other people know that we can't have kids, and the only reason I'm talking about it now is because you seem quite distressed about this issue.
ReplyDeleteWe've been married for a little over four years and my heart still aches in an indescribable way when I think about having kids. Honestly though, I want to make it unequivocally clear that I have met more than a handful of women who also could not have children and not one of them demanded sympathy or lurked behind a mother in Church, coveting her children. Infertility is hard as hell, but pregnancy is something not to apologize for.
Don't you dare hide your joys! BE EXCITED! IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BLESSING! Just please don't turn into one of those whiny women who need sympathy for being a mother, that is annoying for everyone. I know a woman like that, it makes me want to throw a brick at her face. Not to be insensitive or anything, of course.
I wanted to share not my story, but that of my step-daughter Savannah. Savannah's arrival here 12 years ago was truly a blessing. Savannah's mother was told early on in her teenage years that she would never have children, find it very, very difficult to get pregnant, or would never carry to full term . I myself could never fathom the thought of not being able to have children.
ReplyDeleteIt would appear that Heavenly Father had a different plan, and we may not understand or see why it happened but it did. Although, we have had a difficult rime and our own trials with Savannah (as any parent would) and that of her mother, I can see at least one time that Heavenly Father has used Savannah in Vincent's life. It was picture that he had colored with Savannah at a local church father/daughter event at VBS. It was that picture of Christ that helped jump start his looking into what his life was about, and thus his conversion. But Savannah is a testimony that despite the odds it can still happen if Heavenly Father is involved.
I think that just like with anything else, if you trust in Heavenly Father things will happen when they are suppose too. I think a lot of people are wanting things done on "their time" or "their schedule" and forget that it's not always about what they want or when they want it, but Heavenly Father's time and schedule. As Christian's we don't always stop and think that perhaps this is Heavenly Father's way and he has his reasons as to why this is happening, but we become quick to anger over it or blame the devil. No matter if you are looking to start your family or add to you should always seek the consul of Heavenly Father. You're prayer should be, "not my will, but yours".
ReplyDeleteHannah- Thank you so much for sharing your situation and point of view. It takes a very strong and very mature person to not allow others determine they success and happiness. Good for you for having such a positive attitude about others finding joy in their blessings. I pray that you too will one day have the great joy of being a mother, in whatever way that can happen! No matter what the situation, not being able to have kids, or struggling to raise kids, its a good reminder to always look for the good and be as positive as possible. Frustrating moments happen, its what we DO with those frustrating moments that really matters.
ReplyDeleteDenise- Sounds like you have the equation of self+spouse+Heavenly Father down. Its great to see how each experience we have can have such a wonderful effect on our lives if we take the time to recognize it. Thanks for sharing!
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ReplyDeleteWe have had a very different experience. We got married in November 2006. Although I planned to wait 2 years before, Kate joined our family in October 2007. I had 2 semesters of school left, and somehow we managed, and I graduated. I had planned on spacing my kids 27 months or more. Heavenly Father had a different plan, because after a very difficult pregnancy Eli joined us in December 2009. The next year was a hard one. I had struggled being pregnant and mother to such a small child. Eric was in school and working as many hours as he could. I had good friends and family support, but I had often couldn't handle everything that was on my small plate. Eric graduated in July and got hired at what should have been a dream job in Seattle. We moved and life should have been perfect. But I was miserable. I couldn't stand my kids half of the time. I couldn't face the day most days. I didn't understand. I have a very blessed life, and I was far from happy with it. The LDS religion puts a lot of emphasis on finding happiness in the Gospel and that we can be whole through the Savior. This made me feel that being depressed was not an acceptable option. I just needed more faith. Finally it grew to be too much, and I went to see a doctor. She quickly told me how I had a great support system, and that I needed to be happy, and that my kids would see and remember how unhappy I was. I left bawling. It took weeks to get up the courage to see a different doctor. This new Doctor, while only slightly more helpful than the first prescribed Zoloft, an anti-depressant that I would be able to take when we decided it was time for more kids. After 2 weeks things got so much better. I was able to develop healthier eating habits, sleeping habits, and exercise habits. My relationships with my kids and husband were so much better. We prayerfully decided it was time to think about another baby. I was on the birth control Implanon, which is a rod inserted into your arm. I had it removed and 2 days later went to visit my family in Idaho for 3 weeks without my husband. We were very surprised to find that I was pregnant upon my return. It was shortly after that when we discovered that Zoloft is not as safe during pregnancies as they say. I abruptly stopped taking it. During this time Eric was building quite a hatred for his job. They asked him to work 7:30 am- 10 pm every day, including weekends. We decided that it was time to find a new job, and soon we were moving in with my parents and 5 siblings, while Eric started his new job in Rexburg and we looked for a home to buy.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I miscarried.
It was July 2011. It took a long time to understand. I thought about starting Zoloft again, but I fully intended to try for another baby again, so I didn't. In October we found a lovely house, and found out we are expecting in June. Blessings from a loving Heavenly Father, and yet I can feel that familiar feeling of "I can't do this" and "just leave me alone" creeping back into my life. I don't know why I have been given this chemical and hormonal imbalance that makes it so hard to appreciate the blessings in my life, but it is something that I struggle with every day.
I can understand why people get frustrated with me, complaining about my wonderful kids and blessed life. I get frustrated with myself. I only had a taste of what it’s like to face the idea of not being able to have the children you want and it was hard. I face a different difficulty that is also very painful and very real. We all have our trial that is hard for every person to understand.
Katie- My husband often tries to refresh my memory on the difficulties I had during pregnancy or the days I feel like strangling my child, as if to say "Are you SURE you want to do this again?" hahahaha I have come to learn that not only does Heavenly Father bless us women with a forgetful memory, but also that our hardest challenges are usually our more rewarding. And why wouldn't we sacrifice our whole selves over and over for something so rewarding? I also think it gives us a little bit of an understanding of the sacrifice the Lord made for each of us.
ReplyDeleteI know that concept can be applied to anything. The challenges you face of depression I'm sure will, from time to time, enable you to have sympathy for others, teach you lessons of love for YOURSELF, and so much more!
I commend you for being so honest! Great post! I love the other comments and our trials and situations are our own and dealt with differently. I definitely get that nagging question "why dont you have kids yet???" I realize that yes, I've been married over 3 years, I am def breaking that norm but to each their own right? Every couple is different and I'm grateful for the things said here that the decision to have children is no one's business but the couples and the Lord. I'm glad I have such a supportive family who tells me when you have kids, then you'll have kids and when you do it'll be great!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so brave to post this! It's given me a lot to think about. I thought it was really interesting when you said you were hesitant to announce your pregnancy because of those who are struggling to have children when they planned.
ReplyDeleteIt reminded me of when we had a miscarriage in August of 2010. It was really hard, obviously, but perhaps the most difficult thing about it was the question, "Will we EVER have children? Will this happen every time?" because it was our first pregnancy. It was the most heartbreaking loss I've experienced. After a couple days, I got on Facebook as a little distraction and my friend had announced her pregnancy by saying, "I'm so sick, sick and sick! And yes by sick I mean pregnant. Please save your congratulations for when I don't feel so awful." I realize a lot of women have a hard time when they're pregnant, but that hurt. My heart ached to be pregnant, and I would have gladly traded her places.
A few weeks later, my co-worker announced he and his wife were pregnant after ten—TEN!—years of trying. I was so happy for him I felt like I would burst. I had other friends who got pregnant at the same time, and families in our ward who had babies around my original due date. It was hard, but I never wanted them to diminish their joy for my sake. I could have handled it if my pregnant friends had diminished their complaining (even a little bit), though.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the way you talk about pregnancy is maybe more important than whether you talk about it or not. When I became pregnant again, I tried to always be completely positive. Not over-the-top, but I was careful to never complain about the wonderful blessing I had. Like you said, you never know what others are going through.
The Hansons- What have you found helpful when people question you not having children yet? I know I posted already, but for me it was just easier and better to be open and say something like "you know what we are trying, and hoping that someday we will" That may not be the exact reason for you, but have you ever just told someone the reason you aren't, and does it help you to cope better, or does it make it worse?
ReplyDeleteBreanna- I agree that sometimes they way we say something is MUCH more important than saying anything or not. (I have such a hard time with that) In some ways to caution peoples complaining seems a little unrealistic when we apply it to another topic. Now don't laugh, but for instance: "That bird squawking outside is driving me nuts!" could be a source of sadness for a deaf person. They might actually really wish they could hear that, you know! But complaining is a normal way of life. Its ok to get on your soap box occasionally about that annoying bird, or your difficult pregnancy, or whatever. I think the AMOUNT of it is the real issue. Being optimistic is MUCH more attractive and is a source of admiration.
I'm kinda the opposite lol... I'm kind of a private person, probably because that's how my family is! Very very conservative. My family and the friends we have known for awhile know the reasons why but usually when people ask, I'll admit I beat around the bush a little bit! I'm not ashamed at all but just feel more comfortable keeping those more personal things with family and close friends we've known for awhile :)
Delete@ The Hansons- Glad you are able to do what is most comfortable for you, to each his own right!
ReplyDeleteJust a little FYI for all you Idahoans...There will be a seminar to help couples understand reasons for infertility and possible treatments. Check out the website: http://www.fertilitydr.com/seminars.html
ReplyDeletePregnancy and fertility and is such a delicate topic. It needs to be handled with care. I was able to get pregnant within the same month I stopped the pill both times i stopped it. I had one miscarriage. It was hard. very hard. I didn't talk about it, but I wish i had. I feel now that women need to be open that way we can support one another. Most of us have had some kind of pregnancy struggle and its okay to talk about.. The other day i got put down because i had a c-section. this woman had the nerve to tell me that i did not give birth to my child. and chewing me out because i did not have a vaginal delivery. needless to say, i was not very christ-like and snapped back at her. The way of conceiving and giving birth should never be up for debate. it should be only to gain support. No woman should ever be this mean and cruel to another woman. even if a woman has adopted her child, i would never say she didnt give birth to her beautiful child. When I was pregnant with my little man, a friends of mine had a miscarriage, i felt i couldnt be excited because, actually i dont know why. I felt bad. Then when girls complain about being pregnant, i wanna get in their faces and tell them off. you know how many women would kill to be in their place. I believe its become more common to complain about pregnancy than to be like oh, i have a perfect pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI would never tell someone they didn't "give birth" either, but do you know what? I felt that way myself. I was not able to have a vaginal delivery due to complications and I personally felt "cheated!" I felt like I didn't get to really experience the process. It is something that I still think about often! I was also so drugged up, because of epidural AND narcs on tops of it, that I do not remember bonding or even really caring about my son until the day after I had him. Mr. Medic has to remind me over and over, our baby got here safe and sound, and it doesn't matter the way he came out!
DeleteI was so blessed to be able to witness the birth of a friends baby, and amazingly I felt that void being replaced with the sweetest experience ever! It wasn't even my own, but I felt like I could let go of missing out on my first! I look forward to seeing what's in store for #2.
Hey, girl. I quoted you and referenced this post on my site. Love you and love your perspective. It's refreshing and spot-on! Here's the link: http://cinderelladuty.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-success-is-your-failure.html
ReplyDeleteThanks for the blog love Becky! Everyone should go check out her site. It's always good to have another blogger that's being open and honest about their mom-job and their feelings...someone else to relate to!
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