Now that I've given fair warning...
I will never ever ever get over the fact that I can't "give birth" to a child!
I don't need anyone to convince me that, yes in fact, I have given birth to a child. No words could persuade me to accept it. I know I should just be grateful that I can even have my own biological children, but I'm only human. We tend to want what we can't have.
I think about it all of the time and I don't know why it's so stuck in my head. I even find myself getting emotional over it. It's as if I'm not a "real" woman or something. I feel gypped of an opportunity that should rightfully be mine.
It doesn't help when people discredit my situation as if to say "you didn't try hard enough" What person, especially another woman, would ever say such a thing? Maybe, they didn't realize what they were actually insinuating, but seriously...people can be so insensitive.
Good thing I don't take things too personally, because otherwise I might feel a little suicidal or maybe more like homicidal.....hahahahaha!
My Dr has declared me too small to birth 8+ lb babies and I have been DOOMED to cesarians from now on. I have talked with people that have been able to do a successful v-bac (vaginal birth after cesarian) after having 2 sections, and when I talk to Mr Medic about the possibility of finding a Dr that is willing, he just gives me the look. In his defense, and as much and I want to defy his great wisdom, he does have a point. My babies have been in danger due to efforts to try to deliver vaginally, so why put them through that and end up in a bad situation where they are hurt, or even me. Why not plan a section and have a safe, healthy outcome.
Even still, I dream about delivering a baby, and long for that experience. I want to have that beautiful babe plopped on to me and just stare down in amazement at how that was just in me and now it is out of me. I want to be able to have that instant bonding moment, instead of having it whisked off to who knows where for several hours and me being too out of it to even care what is going on. I want to see my husband shed a tear (ya right, I'll keep dreaming) as he helps bring that babe into the world. I want to be able to relate to other women who have experienced vaginal births. I want to share my birth stories and them be magical and positive. I want to say that I did something that was thought couldn't be done because I'm not one to give up too easy!
Another thing that is really difficult to accept...I am that crazy woman who has always wanted 6-8 kids, and now to think my childbearing experiences could be significantly decreased due to repeat sections and my body simply not holding up to so many major surgeries is simply heart wrenching.
I know Heavenly Father wants us to have the desires of our hearts, but could it really not be His will? It's a righteous desire, not too selfish. Do I keep hoping for what I want and press my luck trying for the results that I want while risking my safety and that of my unborn children? Or do I simply come to terms with reality, and get over it?
For now, I will just be forever grateful for the blessing of being present for the birth of a dear friends first baby. Even though it was not my own experience it filled a part of the void I have been feeling.