Now that I've given fair warning...
I will never ever ever get over the fact that I can't "give birth" to a child!
I don't need anyone to convince me that, yes in fact, I have given birth to a child. No words could persuade me to accept it. I know I should just be grateful that I can even have my own biological children, but I'm only human. We tend to want what we can't have.
I think about it all of the time and I don't know why it's so stuck in my head. I even find myself getting emotional over it. It's as if I'm not a "real" woman or something. I feel gypped of an opportunity that should rightfully be mine.
It doesn't help when people discredit my situation as if to say "you didn't try hard enough" What person, especially another woman, would ever say such a thing? Maybe, they didn't realize what they were actually insinuating, but seriously...people can be so insensitive.
Good thing I don't take things too personally, because otherwise I might feel a little suicidal or maybe more like homicidal.....hahahahaha!
My Dr has declared me too small to birth 8+ lb babies and I have been DOOMED to cesarians from now on. I have talked with people that have been able to do a successful v-bac (vaginal birth after cesarian) after having 2 sections, and when I talk to Mr Medic about the possibility of finding a Dr that is willing, he just gives me the look. In his defense, and as much and I want to defy his great wisdom, he does have a point. My babies have been in danger due to efforts to try to deliver vaginally, so why put them through that and end up in a bad situation where they are hurt, or even me. Why not plan a section and have a safe, healthy outcome.
Even still, I dream about delivering a baby, and long for that experience. I want to have that beautiful babe plopped on to me and just stare down in amazement at how that was just in me and now it is out of me. I want to be able to have that instant bonding moment, instead of having it whisked off to who knows where for several hours and me being too out of it to even care what is going on. I want to see my husband shed a tear (ya right, I'll keep dreaming) as he helps bring that babe into the world. I want to be able to relate to other women who have experienced vaginal births. I want to share my birth stories and them be magical and positive. I want to say that I did something that was thought couldn't be done because I'm not one to give up too easy!
Another thing that is really difficult to accept...I am that crazy woman who has always wanted 6-8 kids, and now to think my childbearing experiences could be significantly decreased due to repeat sections and my body simply not holding up to so many major surgeries is simply heart wrenching.
I know Heavenly Father wants us to have the desires of our hearts, but could it really not be His will? It's a righteous desire, not too selfish. Do I keep hoping for what I want and press my luck trying for the results that I want while risking my safety and that of my unborn children? Or do I simply come to terms with reality, and get over it?
For now, I will just be forever grateful for the blessing of being present for the birth of a dear friends first baby. Even though it was not my own experience it filled a part of the void I have been feeling.
And just to clarify, if you are a woman that has had a c-section, I would never never try to insinuate that YOU have never "given birth" to a child nor would I ever say that to you. I believe that any way a child comes into this world is worthy and wonderful. I just wish it differently for ME personally.
ReplyDeleteChandee, you are wonderful! We all get frustrated when are righteous desires are thwarted :). I know my birthing experiences have been different than yours, but I want to tell you about my experiences on the flip side. After giving birth a slimy sticky mess was plopped on my chest, and my first thought was "GROSS!". Even with these experiences I felt incredible guilt that I didn't feel a connection or bond with my children immediately. (For Paige it took months to truly understand that I was her mother.) My point is that I see your love and bond with your babies so much more quickly than I ever feel it for mine (I do love them, don't get me wrong.) You may not be blessed with the gift of natural child-birth, but your gift to love, bond, and sacrifice for your babies is far greater, and I hope to one day receive that gift. I love you, and am thankful for you example :)
DeleteYour post was very thoughtful and reminded me of one of my very good friends who came from a broken home. She always wanted a large family, and like you wanted 6-8 kids. It was after several miscarriages that her pregnancy finally took and 9 months later, my beautiful niece was born. But not without complications. She has some health problems that develop when she is pregnant and one of them is that her blood doesn't clot. She was able to deliver all three of her 10+ lbs children vaginally, but because of these medical problems, her doctors have advised her NOT to have anymore children at the risk of her having severe complications and hemorrhaging. After praying with her husband they knew that she couldn't have anymore. She was devastated but felt inspired that and she immediately knew that she would still get her 8 kids. They are now in the process of their first adoption. While her story is different from yours, I think that there is a very common thread... It is a very self-less thing to want to have children. It is, after all the very core of what we believe. But I think that no matter how a child comes into this life (via c-section, naturally, or through adoption) we are given opportunities to grow and to love these precious little angles. But most importantly, I don't think that how any child enters this world matters as much as what happens afterwards. I've seen you with your children Chandee and you are a wonderful mother. In fact, I think that jumping into mommy-hood right after a c-section (twice!) makes you even more amazing! So don't let the 'how' get you down. Remember that we are not given anything that we cannot handle, and I think that includes the emotional hardships as well. Just remember that you are a great Mom! :)
ReplyDeleteOh chandee, my dear friend. I have so many similar thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing this. I've come to the conclusion that childbirth is somuch bigger than all of us-nobody ever has any control of how it happens. So shame on those women who have told you that you're not a real woman or whatever, cause they sure as heck dont deserve any credit for their vaginal births. Heavenly father is the one in charge-not them. They don't know the feelings of needing a c-section to save a baby's life. To me you are stronger than those women cause if your humility and perspective.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your post. You expressed your tender feelings so well. Thanks for sharing. xoxo
ReplyDeleteChandee, I love reading your blog and reading your honest feelings and thoughts. I cannot even imagine what you have gone through. Thanks for sharing. HUGS to you!!!
ReplyDeletei guess I was being prepared for Makayla's birth being a c-section because a year ago (so I was barely preggo w/her, i was talking to a lady abt having a hard time getting pregnant & she told me she had a hard time inbetween some of her kids & that all 8 of them were c-sections (she couldnt dilate). she said it wasnt a big deal to have that many c-sections (most of hers are old enough to be out of the house) uh oh, i just realized that 1/2 her kids had down syndrome (of course that is unrelated) i better watch out ;)
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